Its been over a year since I’ve posted here. Over a year.
Cat’s out of the bag, I’m a horrible blogger. This blog is only roughly the ten thousandth one I’ve tried to start and then failed to cultivate. If blogging was gardening, I’d have fields of broken dead tomatoes, sun bleached and bird picked eggplants smothered by thigh high weeds.
And I think I know why.
I have a shitty concept of how to treat myself. I was taught at an early that my needs, those basic ones that you have to meet to feel some sort of contentment, were bothersome and not worthy of attention. Those lessons are the one that stick with you and worm their way into your sense of self. So now as an adult, with all the added responsibility I have (mother,wife,housekeeper, full service cat assistant), I’ve cemented those beliefs. Self care actions are not things that I see as important.
Do you know how fucked up that is? I don’t even take time to eat a full meal until roughly 9-10 at night. My hobbies, the things that make me feel like more than just a maid and servant, are squished into the last few hours of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love my kids, I love helping them grow and learn and explore. I love my husband and love being his partner in life. What I don’t love, is me.
That needs to change. I can’t continue to neglect myself and expect my family to grow. So maybe if I can revive this blog, use it as a safe place, I can start the journey. Its not a journey to find myself, but to get to really know and fall in love with who I am.