In my email the other day was one of those generated Facebook reminders that say something like “Your followers haven’t heard from you in a while!”. Usually, this reminds me … Continue reading Adventures in Social (Anxiety) Media
I was getting a jump on cooking dinner when I got a notification that I had a new email. Normally, I would glance at my lock screen to see … Continue reading Declined: A (Self)Love Story
I attempted a blog challenge. I posted about it here. Obviously, it was a failure since I took a year long sabbatical and never came back. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I committed to doing it without fully falling in love with it. Looking back now, I am not fond of the prompts themselves. It feels….shallow? After doing this list, I might overhaul the entire idea and start again. But I’ll at least try to get through this one thing. It was my goal, so I’m going to do it.
Let’s start back where I left off and give it another go.
So let’s say today is day 11 and the prompt is “List 15 of your favorite things”. Why they didn’t have it be “List 11 of your favorite things” seems like a miss to me.
- Coffee. In all forms. From black with sweetener to superkalifraglistic from Starbucks. I don’t care what you think about my coffee order, so shhhh. Just put it in me.
- Used Books. I really love reading a book that’s already been loved. I love the feeling of a well worn novel. Also it saves money and keeps stories alive.
- Professional Wrestling. I’m a mark. I’ve watched since I was a little kid. My dad, who Im sure will be the subject of a few post in the future, was an indie wrestler when I was a child. We’d travel to sweaty gyms, set up a ring, and do shows. It’s still something that I love. I don’t care if it’s “fake”. It’s still real to me dammit!
- Incense and wax melts. Nothing changes my mood faster than to make my area smell nice.
- Late 90s-Early 00s Rock. It was my coming of age music. What can I say?
- Podcasts! Dude, I love me some podcasts. In the last year or so, i discovered the concept of podcasting and fell in love. I religiously listen to Tanis, Rabbits, Welcome to Night Vale, What Happened When, and Something to Wrestle with Bruce Prichard. I really wish The Black Tapes would come back. I miss it so much.
- Gravity Falls. Its a constant in our rotation of shows. Its like animated X-Files.
- Instagram. Yep, Im one of those people. I try to post more than just selfies. I dont always accomplish a respectable stuff to selfie ratio though.
- Sewing. Its become one of my favorite ways to create. Ive hit a lull recently. I made the mistake of linking my enjoyment of sewing to my ability to sell things Ive made. I need to fix that.
- The Denver Broncos. I was never much of a football fan growing up. I knew little to nothing about it. My husband however, is a huge Broncos fan and has this huge wealth of football knowledge. So I decided instead of being one of those people that sit around and pout when their SO watches sports, I’d learn about it so I could watch with him. And I have. And the Broncos are my time. Which is slightly hilarious considering I live in the thick of the team they beat recently in the Super Bowl.
- Milkshakes. They are glorious
- Lists. I typically enjoy making list. They bring me some sense of control. This one however, is kicking my ass.
- The Blues Brothers. Always. I love that damn movie so much.
- My family. My husband is easily my best friend. I’m honored to have the kids I have. I’ve filled the gaps with people who love me. I’m a lucky person.
Ya know what? I think I’m done with this list. Look, I have a lot of favorite things. Listing them here seems so redundant. I know the point is to “get to know” me better, but this isn’t fun. Like I said above, Im going to need to overhaul this whole thing. I want writing here to be a release, not another thing that stresses me. And for some reason, this list stresses.
So, there’s that. I’ll figure something out. Something enjoyable for me and for you, the reader.
Well, it happened,loves. It only took 8 days for it to, but it did.
I missed posting. But it was because I had a friend over and we spent most of the evening eating cheesecake and watching stand up on Netflix. So, under cheesecake consuming rules, I’m in the clear. No wrongs can be committed while eating cheesecake. Hashtag that as Truth, cause its fucking gold.
Anyway, here are the contents of my bag, which if I can boast for a moment, I made myself.
So we got a baby sweater, some diapers, my wallet, a compact of powder which is sadly no longer with us because the wearer of that pretty pink sweater threw it across a parking lot.There’s also my keys, a book I picked up at an Asian Market in a language I can’t read, and some trash I should really throw away. Also, the fabric I made my bag out of glows in the dark. So that’s pretty cool.
Ok, now that we are caught up, here’s today’s post. My worst habits. In no particular order they include
- Over apologizing for slights real and imagined
- Giving up on my interest and actions to make time for other people.
- Asking if someone is okay. Over and over and over.
- Picking at zits, scratches, any sort of flesh imperfection.
- Scratching. Excessively. Hello stress rashes, let’s get raw!
- Tailgating. Speeding. Pretty much driving in general. I am a horrible driver. Horrible.
- Saying “Goddamnit”. The kids say it now because of me. I’m a great influence.
- Caffeine consumption. Give me Monster or give me death. And by that I mean, it probably will give me death.
- Listing all the horrible things that could,would,should, might happen over and over in my head.
- Making fucking list.
There you go. A laundry list of my bad habits and yesterday post about my purse. It’s an odd combo, for sure. I hope not to miss anymore days. The photography challenge I’m doing on Facebook is almost over. I’m pretty sad about that. It’s been a lot of fun. Maybe I will do another one just for this blog? Who knows. I probably should just finish this shit first. That would be a good idea. Can we add taking on too much to the list of bad habits?
Sight: The unholy mess that is my computer table. I’m a messy person. It’s how my brain works best. But this mess is overtaking me. Kid shoes, uncut patterns, grocery circulars…just a whole bunch of crazy. Tomorrow will be Tidy It Up Friday.
Hearing: WWE Smackdown is on TV right now, so I’m listening to that. Also, the box fan we have in the room to cool is pretty damn loud. As the weather has gotten warmer, that sound has become a normal part of the background.
Smell: My hands smell like the chips I ate just a bit ago. It’s been a while since I’ve had chips, so I went a little bonkers. They were Ruffles! They had Ridges!
Taste: I’m drinking some water to wash away the saltiness from the chips. How creepy of a question would this be ? “Hey gurl, what you tasting?” Um, vomit?
Touch: I am painfully aware of how hard my computer chair is. It’s a wooden dinner table chair because my original chair died a horrible death and we’ve yet to replace it. Also, the keys on my keyboard. Its a gaming keyboard that my husband passed on to me. The keys have such a nice texture to them. They make typing really easy. As an added bonus, my right wrist is hurting like an ass. I’m not sure what I did to injury it, but it had been aggravating me for weeks. Even with a brace it’s uncomfortable.
I seriously almost skipped doing today. Its after 10 pm and Little Miss M is still awake. Which means I’m still on the mommy clock. Which doesn’t make me a happy lady. Today has been a stressful day, so I was very much looking forward to time to myself to unwind before getting tired and falling asleep in a puddle of my own drool. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
So, quickly, here are ten songs I really fucking love right now.
- “Well, Everybody’s Fucking In A U.F.O” by Rob Zombie. I’ve been a Zombie fan for like half of my life. This new song is just so damn good. And it’s wonderful to sing while walking in the grocery store on Old People Day.
- “Breath Of Life” by Florence and the Machine. This song is so powerful. The building of the vocals , the instrumental, its all just perfect.
- “I and Love and You” by The Avett Brothers. I love this bands sound and how tight and together they are. The slow “We are headed North” part gives me goosebumps.
- “You’re Standing On My Neck” by Splendora. It’s the Daria theme song. I love Daria.I might be Daria.
- “Come With Me Now” by The Kongos. This song makes me want to go out and do shit. Badass shit.
- “I Will Wait” by Mumford and Sons. Pretty much everything by Mumford and Sons is magical.
- “Renegades” by X Ambassadors
- “One Arm Scissor” At the Drive In. They are back! And touring!
- “Saint Cecillia”by The Foo Fighters. I love the Foo Fighters. I have for a very long time. They keep putting out music that speaks to me.
- “Snow” by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Always this song. Always.
On the superficial side of things, I am really, really, REALLY afraid of ants. Here in the Southern U.S. we have big nasty fire ants. They seriously are like Satan’s public lice. They are everywhere and are just waiting to crawl on your feet, up your legs and bite the shit out of you.
Many moons ago, when I was a little girl, during an Easter family get together, my little dumb ass walked between two ant hills. And BOOM! Those motherfuckers starting attacking my chubby legs like an all you can eat buffet. My Great Uncle Ray snatched me up, ran me inside to the kitchen and threw me in the sink, pretty little dress ,panty hose and all. My legs were polka dotted with ant bites. It was horrible.
On a much deeper level, Im afraid of turning into my mother and pushing everyone in my life away. I don’t want the mental struggles I go through to hinder and hurt the people I love. I don’t want to be so deformed by my mental anguish, so poisoned and bitter, that I continue the cycle and infect my babies with it. I don’t want them growing up with the same shit I have in my head in theirs. They deserve better. I deserved better.
So, I know this isnt part of the prompt, I’m working on making myself better. I talked with L today about this very thing. And when I told him that I felt that he and the kids deserved better than a crazy, over emotional me he was quick to remind me that I too deserved it. And he’s right. We all deserve happiness and contentment. Especially with our selves. Our worries can not be the largest feeling we have. Love should be. Self love especially.
This one is pretty hard. I really love quotes and have a few that have rented rooms inside my head. Some of them have no meaning in everyday life (“Zed’s dead,baby. Zed’s dead.”) and others feel like they were created just for me (“Believe me, nothing is trivial.”)
But this one, since I read it the first time, really struck a cord.
Now, I’ve seen it attributed to both Mother Theresa and Konstantin Josef Jirecek. Regardless, it has so much meaning to me. Especially the last part. I never had a safety net. I never had a cheering section behind me. What Ive learned, Ive taught myself. And a lot of the time, I was wrong. But now, because of the shit Ive carried myself through, Im sure I can do anything.
I get to blog early today because BOTH BABIES ARE SLEEPING AT THE SAME TIME.
This is like the planets aligning on the day you win the lottery. It just doesn’t happen. So, Im trying to make the most of it. Today’s challenge theme is ’20 facts about you’. Let’s knock this out:
- I hate watermelon and watermelon flavored items. I don’t care what you say, I find it gross. Me not eating watermelon means there’s more for you guys, so you really should thank me.
- I also hate onions. Its a texture thing, not a taste thing.
- I am missing the following body parts: tonsils, adenoids, appendix, wisdom teeth and the nails on both of my big toes.
- I’ve had three surgeries on my right knee. It’s still a fucking mess.
- I’m afraid of ants.
- I’m lactose intolerant. It makes me sad.
- I’ve lived on both sides of America and in Germany.
- It took me three tries to get my driving license when I was in high school. A few years later, it would take me three times to get my DOD sponsor driving license when we lived in Germany.
- I’m afraid of clowns thanks to Tim Curry and Stephen King.
- I’ve spent years trying to overcome a horrible Southern accent. If I’m tired or have been in my cups, it comes roaring out.
- I like sewing. I’m not great, but I’ve made a few things I’m proud of.
- I had to take a multi hour long break here because the babies woke up and I had to go pick up the other one and then dinner and showers and etc,etc. So this fact is that no time of my waking hours is really my time. Im devoted to this wild bunch of misfits.
- I struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis.
- I’m a reformed nail biter.
- My husband and I met at a thrift store.
- Pizza is life. Glorious, glorious pizza.
- My first dogs name was Tippy.
- I have a slight fear of prescription medicine. My mother abused pills when I was a kid and it really left a mark on me. I’m even hesitant to take OTC pain relievers.
- Other than my nerdy fandoms (Supernatural,Doctor Who,Star Trek, etc) Im also a fan of auto racing, professional wrestling, MMA, and football.
- I’ve made it to 20! This might be the most I’ve talked about myself in along time. So I will try to end it with something good. When I was a kid I wanted to run away to Nashville and become a singer/songwriter. But I can’t sing and never learned to play guitar. That never really panned out.
Now you know a shit ton more about me than you did before!
Ok, let’s do this!
I’ve never been good at introductions, so let’s just hit the basics.
I’m Angela. I’m in my early 30s and I’m allergic to penicillin. I’m a long time nerd and weirdo. One of my feet is slightly bigger than the other and I’m right handed. I’m the opposite of a perfectionist. I’m a “eh,thats good enough”ist. I like to craft. Sewing is what I’m focusing on right now. I really love to sew, even if my projects are hit or miss. I also really love photography. Like sewing, its still hit or miss for me, but Im getting better. I lost my desire to create anything for a while and am slowly regaining it. I’m doing a photography challenge on Facebook that’s made me fall in love with my camera again. It’s pretty awesome. While writing this, I’m drinking a PBR and watching The Twilight Zone. I’m sure that says something about me as a person.
I’ve been married for almost 11 years to my best friend who I will affectionately call Mr. L. We got married pretty young and have done some pretty incredible things. The most incredible are our four children.
Az was our first son and oldest child. He was born in Washington State on a cold day. When he was born, I became a different, better person. He was super smart and super sweet. I use the word was because he passed away November 2011, a week before my birthday. It was totally unforseen and unexpected. Every single day, every hour, I still hurt and long for him. He was my first best friend. He was a gift to the world. He still is.
Jo our little Bean Boy. He is quickly approaching his 8th birthday. He’s hilarious and kind and just a little high strung. He has ADHD and is currently in second grade. School has been hard for him, but I totally think that things are starting to look up. He loves making things out of clay and video games, just like his daddy.
Des is our little quiet giant. He is three and likes to play pretend. He really likes to play pretend. His current favorite thing is to make a story up using his fingers as people. He has beautiful blue eyes. His current favorite things is the new car seat we upgraded him to. He practically begs to go “bye bye” so he can ride in it.
And the baby is Miss Mar. She is our surprise baby. We didn’t plan on her showing up, or being a her for the matter, but she did. And although she is sassy and loud, she is amazing. Sometimes I can’t believe she’s real. She loves kitties and likes to burp. She likes to help and is constantly underfoot. She’s our own little Arya Underfoot.
My orgin story is kind of shitty. I had an abusive, narcissistic mother and an apathetic father. I was the scapegoat of the family. I’ve been no contact with them for a long time. I’m still working through mess that was left by that life. I will probably hit on that whole mess later.
I don’t know what else to say! I feel like I’ve said so much without saying anything. Talking about myself has always felt weird. At least I’ve completed Day 1 of this challenge. Self high five for that!